Guarding Myself from a Moment
This was the first time I ignored the news.
For 14 years as a journalist, I never avoided a news story. At Jackson Spalding, a marketing and communications agency, I have to know what’s in the news to media coach clients and advise them on issues management and multicultural communications. Plus, matters of race are personally interesting and important to me. On paper, the Derek Chauvin trial is the type of story I would consume from jury selection to closing arguments. This time was different mainly because I wanted to protect myself.
Deaths of Black people from encounters with law enforcement have always affected me. But my reaction to this trial has helped me realize I’m still unpacking 2020. In my life, I have certainly seen trying moments from a racial perspective. But last year felt like the most racially charged year I’ve experienced.
For me and for others, being Black sometimes means you hope and pray for change, but you mentally prepare for the opposite. I ignored the trial because I didn’t want to re-live trauma. I didn’t want to raise my expectations and desire for a just verdict. The optimist in me wants to continue to believe in the change from last year’s racial and social reckoning. The realist in me wants to guard myself from another disappointment. Simultaneously, this trial was individual to the Floyd family and a check of our nation’s temperature after a fevered year.
Once the jury reached a verdict, I knew I needed to pay attention given the possible outcomes and work implications.
“FYI that jurors just reached a verdict in the Derek Chauvin case and will announce between 4:30 and 5 p.m ET today,” one of my co-workers posted in an internal messaging group where employees share headlines and thoughts about current news stories of interest to clients.
For an hour and a half Tuesday afternoon, my attention was split between watching the internal messaging channel and being in consecutive client video meetings.
“It’s starting now,” one co-worker posted shortly after 5 p.m.
Two minutes later, another co-worker posted, “Guilty on ct. 1 and 2.” “And 3.”
I read it but didn’t process until my last meeting ended at 5:30. I went upstairs where my wife was watching CNN’s live coverage.
“They finally got it right,” my wife said about the verdict.
“Yeah, but we don’t know what the sentence will be,” I replied.
“Yeah, but there wouldn’t be sentencing if they didn’t get it right,” she responded. “Don’t downplay it. This is major.”
The verdict was a sigh of relief because the result matched the eight minutes and 46 seconds of unforgettable video. The conversation with my wife was the permission or allowance I needed to be in the moment. We’ve seen too many instances where deaths occurred, evidence was clear, but results were disappointing. This verdict was many things. It was different, personal for the Floyd family, and a much-needed societal symbol. And, for the moment, that’s where I am.
Right now, there’s a conversation about the impact of the verdict and what it means. The conversation is challenging. The trial took place in Minnesota. In the same state, and during the trail, Daunte Wright was killed. Hours after the verdict, Ma’Khia Bryant was killed in Ohio. This week, I was in a meeting when someone made the reference to whether we are in a moment or a movement. It stood out to me because it’s a phrase I’ve used as well. It’s a tough question and part of an ongoing, necessary discussion. Instead of trying to answer that question, I’m focused on learning the best way to navigate the moments.
